More food, and more food

At least the streets are empty! I've been stuffed for days, ever since we got in the car to come south, it seems. I seem to put things in my mouth when I'm nervous -- food, drink, party favors, etc. And lately, food's been at the top of the list. Learning how to relax while keeping focussed is rather difficult, especially when travelling. Any kind of regular schedule I had while at home gets thrown off-kilter. Oh well, that's the way it goes.

The strangest thing about this part of Florida is that I have seen hardly any insects. I know they're out there, they always are, but WHERE? Did they all get sprayed to death? It's too strange, really. I did see some ant hills, and one very lonely mosquito. I feel like I need to just sit in Hammock Park and wait for some bugs to come by. What are the birds eating, I wonder.

"Hammock," by the way, does not refer to the slingable bed that hangs between supports. It's a geographical feature, that means a piece of land that can support hardwood trees. There are some glorious hardwoods in the park, and me and the boys had fun trying to identify them. My inlaws live on a hammock, with most of the trees cut down for houses. I don't know how most of this land is drained -- there seem to be canals and pumps everywhere.

We went to Honeymoon Island yesterday, for the second time, and saw: an armadillo (hurray!),
a nesting pair of bald eagles, lots of ospreys, and a mated pair of great horned owls. Oh yes, and some ants. We were walking quickly, very focussed on finding the eagles, and so I didn't have a chance to look for much else.

okey dokey artichokey,
much love,
Kelpie

Here I am in Dunedin, FL, at my in-laws'. The boys and I are staying in a cute efficiency down by the harbor, and more relatives are pouring in from the north. It's the annual pilgrimage of the McGehees, and I'm happy to be a part of it. There's a bit of culture shock -- the car culture is not something I'm particularly fond of, and I had a difficult time in the Publix, trying to figure out what my family would want to eat, and where on earth do they keep those things in the store. In some ways, life at Twin Oaks is much more simple, and going away for bit reminds me why I moved to Twin Oaks in the first place.

One of my most favorite activities so far has been walking through Hammock Park, which is an enormous green acreage to the west of downtown. It was good to be outside, exploring the trails and trying to figure out the different plants. Arlo picked a handful of purple-red berries, in the hopes of finding out what they are. We'd seen a picture of them at the nature center, at Honeymoon Island State Park.

Okey dokey, more later,
much love,
Kelpie

Made It! And Over!!

Hurray! I counted up my labor sheet yesterday, and I was over quota by... well, I made 49 lovely labor credits. And I turned my sheet in before the deadline, so I'll get an extra 2.5 for that. I'm glad I made such a lovely sum before going on a long trip where labor credits are few and hard to come by. The disadvantages of the amazing Twin Oaks labor system sometimes overwhelms the advantages. And vice versa, I am sure.

Before I started my labor credit endeavor, I was pretty unhappy about it, which made things worse. I loafed, frankly, and wallowed, and sometimes I cried. I got lots of encouragement and hugs and everyone seemed to love me more than I thought I deserved. Interesting, that, eh? The people of Twin Oaks are pretty amazing. I'm lucky in a variety of ways, and a lot of them seem to be the direct result of living with terrific people. A lot of terrific people. Sometimes there are so many terrific people, I get, well, not terrified, but overwhelmed. I haven't entirely discovered a pattern. It seems, at least, that I've broken out of the wallowing.

We're off, the nuclear family in which I am called "Mom." We're off to Florida to visit relatives, and we'll be home sometime, in a week or so. I doubt I'll have access to this blog, so until then, be well.
much love,
Kelpie

Cow Talk

Milked a buncha cows this morning. Five of them: Butternut, Wendy, Nygelia, Chicory, and Andromeda. And I didn't milk three heifers: Delta, Demeter, and Lilith. Together, they're a herd. Herda cows. Actually, they're mostly Holstein, and some Dutch Belted thrown in there, and Bnut has some Jersey. I'll milk two of them this evening: Bnut and Andromeda. I like cows.

I went out after my milking and did a head count of the pregnant-or-waiting cow herd (known to us as the "Preggie Herd"), on the East Slope pasture. I found five of them down on the far paddock, and three of them on the hay feeder. Ok, they weren't really on the hay feeder; they were beside the hay feeder, and sometimes they stick their heads in the hay feeder. I've never actually seen a cow on a hay feeder, although I've seen a calf in a hay feeder. It's really hard to get a calf out of a hay feeder. I try not to do it.

I'm glad it's a fairly cold morning, because there are no flies. I really don't like flies. I know, I know, not all flies are the same, and there are helpful, useful flies, but frankly, I don't know them. Ok, there's those little flies that pollinate figs. I like figs. Oops, those are wasps. I like wasps. Back in the day, when I was studying insects, I never could get over my prejudice against flies, but I did manage to eat a bunch of wasp larvae (sauteed in oil, lightly spiced) and so developed a fondness for them. All wasps, pretty much. But no flies. I will never eat flies. Flies kind of bug me.

Anyway, Summer and the baby seem to be happy and healthy and they're both female, and the smaller one has a lot of hair! Cute as a button, and born about 7:15 yesterday evening. Blessed be. We're all pretty happy.
much love,
Kelpie

Waiting for a baby

Surely this baby will be born soon, they've been working at it for quite a while now. I'm glad I'm done having my babies!! Summer's been working hard for quite some time now, and the rest of us are all eagerly waiting. Wonder what the baby will be like.

I can't remember how many labor credits I earned today... um, quick guess says... four and a half or five, so far. It's late afternoon, and the sun's making my favorite kind of light, reddish and orangish. I'm happy with our atmosphere, although I understand it used to be different, and maybe back in the day, the light would be bluer? Don't know.

Summer's baby will be the... hmmm... fifth baby born in this building since it was built. Five, and the building's about as old as Rowan, who's 12. Every now and then someone comes down and tells us what the latest news is, and it's hard to sit at the computer. I want to go and do something useful. When Adrian was being born, Simone and I were listening downstairs and twiddling our thumbs, and we finally decided to go pick flowers. We came back with a lovely bunch and gave them to the baby, who'd been born while we were gone. It doesn't take long to pick flowers when you have two people -- that was a very fast and efficient birth!
Okey dokey artichokey, much love,
Kelpie

Working is working!

Hurray! I seem to be changing my lazy butt habits fairly easily. That gives me hope for the future. I'm off to Florida for our annual pilgrimage, and I'll come back and get that contract and stick to it, by golly. There'll be no public lynching for Kelpie, no sirree. I hate that when that happens.

To be honest, it never has happened. I've certainly been the object of public scrutiny before, and it's not pleasant, but I've gotten more used to it over the years. When I first got to Twin Oaks, it seemed like everyone was looking at me, and they were!! And it's happened every now and then that I get a little more attention than I feel comfortable with. Mostly, though, I move through the world with ease and grace. Lucky me!

What I really hate is watching a public lynching. I'm not so in tune with the people world around me, and sometimes it happens without me being able to head it off in any way, and sometimes I participate in the hanging.

I want to make it clear here that we do not murder people at Twin Oaks, (sometimes my metaphors are taken literally), but we do banish folks occasionally, and sometimes not so gracefully. I always hope that the person finds healing when that happens. Living at Twin Oaks can be very painful, and sometimes the pain gets to be so big it envelops us, and the person must leave. We call it "drama," here, and I prefer to keep my drama corralled. I'm sure drama happens in every community.
much love,
Kelpie

Sleep is a beautiful thing

I did make quota yesterday, hurray! And drummed, too. All on four hours of sleep the night before, after a wicked bout of insomnia. Then slept for another four hours, after drumming, and woke up early. I've been up for hours, and it's only 7:13am. I did get a little cleaning done, and my daily spiritual practice (which, if you were wondering, does not require a group).

So, one of my high pressure jobs is being on the Membership Team, of Twin Oaks, which is basically yet another committee (the whole place is run by committees, it's amazing). As part of our process of defining membership, (in explicit detail, if necessary), we have a long interview. And as part of that long interview, there is a long list of questions. And somewhere in the middle of that long list of questions, is the question, "Do you have a spiritual practice that requires a group?"

I always think of that question as the anti-guru security question. So, all you guru-wannabes: the correct answer to that question is, "No." In the long, long years of my time serving on the illustrious Community Membership Team, there has never ever been anyone who has said, "Yes." At this point, I sort of wish someone would say, "Yes."

And, glory be, I actually saw both of my children yesterday, as well as Keenan. It was a good day. And hey it snowed a tiny bit in the night! Like powdered sugar on brownies (ok, green brownies, with leaves under the sugar).
much love,
Kelpie

Pity me or feel my pain

Ok, it's 2:33 in the morning, and I can't sleep. I've tried. I'll try again. I don't give up on something like sleep.

I feel ill. My stomach is queasy and my head hurts, and I just want to be asleep. I love sleep.

I have to be at the dairy barn to milk cows in five hours, after which I will take care of two children along with a new member, Mushroom. I realize I can ask Mushroom to take care of Kharma and Luuk by herself, and she'll do it, she's a very capable young woman. And I may not be the most fun to hang out with tomorrow, after milking, depending on how much sleep I get.

I did make quota yesterday. I did. Hurray for me. I didn't really see my family much, but I did work. Do I get a gold star?

Ok, I shall make another valient attempt.
much love,
Kelpie

Learning to Manage Myself

Yesterday was a hard day. I was sick most of the day, fighting off a migraine, which finally left while I was in a meeting in the late afternoon, as a front went through and the barometric pressure gave me a break. I had to find someone to do my K-II (after lunch clean up at the dining hall), which was easy, except on my pride.

I do not like being sick one bit, and the migraine is like a scary beast which reaches its hands out of the sky and squeezes my head and stomach. It becomes difficult to do anything but pay attention to it! For a person who struggles with focus, it's a good teacher, but can be a fierce one. I was almost giddy when it went away, (and definitely shaky), and so grateful. I had been blaming the illness on a cheap beer I had the night before, because it had the same symptoms as a hangover, and I felt life was unfair. I'd only had one cheap beer! In retrospect, I was vulnerable because I was dehydrated, and then the Barometric Pressure Monster (BPM) had a chance to whop me, so it did.

I still love the movie "Princess Mononoke," which I treated myself to watching, again, this time in English. There's a scene at the end, where the Forest God, or Deer God, is searching for its head, and is like a large heavy storm cloud over the forest, with tornado arms reaching down. It's a very powerful image for someone who still occasionally dreams about tornadoes. I've felt that power, intimately, in my core. And am not convinced that the BPM isn't a symptom, somehow, of the Deer God who's lost his head. But really, it's me who has to pay attention to my own head.

much love,
Kelpie

Feeling sorry for myself

I've tried to figure out just how long I would be on a labor contract. By policy, I would need to make over 15 extra labor credits per month, which would mean my own labor quota would be about 4 hours more than normal. In theory, that should not be difficult, and if I get a pattern going, I can do much better than that. But at minimum, I believe I'll be on a contract for 13 months. A little over a year and a day.

I can live with that. What I might not be able to live with is the stipulation that I must not be in the labor hole for two months -- it's gotta be two consecutive months, and I'll find out for sure. That's bothering me, although it probably won't be a big deal. I need to go to Witchcamp!!! And also there'll be other sorts of things during the year, too.

I'll need to change various habits: the habit of getting up late, and getting out late. I'll need to jump out of bed at 7, for example (like I did today), and not spend so much time socializing with folks in the morning. I'll miss that, as I love my housemates, one of which is three years old and cute as a button even when he's being wretched.

I'll need to cut my naps short, or not take them. And I'll need to work in the evenings, too.

And, sob, I'll probably need to cut back on other non-labor creditable activities, like, ack, pagan ritual. I wonder how I'll do that -- I sort of feel obligated on a certain level to priestess these things. Maybe I'll have to just limit myself to priestessing at Twin Oaks (where I can take labor credits under "holiday.") and the occasional rare instance off the farm. Waaa. That will be difficult.

And, another sob, I'll have to figure out how to curtail my other non-labor creditable activities which are just as fun and important... grrr. I'm not a partier in a big way, but the little I do is important. And I absolutely refuse to give up drumming. I'll figure something out.

If I become a grouch during the time of my labor contract, well, someone provide sympathy at least, so it's not a permanent condition. I've seen people when they're changing their habits, and they are often not cheery about it. At least I don't smoke. Things could be oh so much worse.

Given a choice, I'd rather become grouchy than boring. Consider this fair warning. I'll do my best to be entertaining, but I realize this post and yesterdays are not as funny. I'll get my groove on again, I promise. Probably when the sun comes out again. It's been rainy and dark, and it's a truly dedicated person who can be entertaining when it's rainy and dark.
much love,
Kelpie

Insecurities and Musings

Today is gray and raining. And I spent a very minimal amount of time in the hammock shop, contributing both to the hammocks quota for the community, and to my own labor balance. I did intend to go again after lunch, and instead slept for three hours, and spent time with my family and online. So, it's another day of digging the hole.

I know how to make hammocks. I'm really good at it, actually. And I enjoy it, as well. It can be physically tiring, and I've made so many in a row that I started to have carpal tunnel symptoms, but for the most part, I've found it to be pleasant work. So why I choose to spend an afternoon in other pursuits is a good question, and one I'll need to answer if I'm going to change my habits.

I love sleep.

So, sleep has been good to me. Unfortunately, it doesn't get me labor credits.

In the Twin Oaks labor system, we have scheduled work and unscheduled work. Missing a work shift is a rarity for me, as I know people are counting on me. But my shifts don't add up to quota, and I'm expected to find work to fill in the gaps. Somehow, I don't. That's the main thing that has to change, I think. Sometimes I wish I had a 9 to 5 job, but I'm sure there would be other problems, if that were the case.

No, what I need is an attitude change, and a schedule that doesn't have big blanks in it.
much love,
Kelpie

How DID I get into this mess?

Sigh. I can come up with all sorts of reasons, but of course, the basic reason is, I went away too much and I don't work enough when I'm here. But that's not so interesting, is it, so here's a story:

Two summers ago, I quit my job, such as it was. Twin Oakers are a slippery bunch, and most folks have several jobs, and no one has a "9 to 5." We work mostly in teams, which is fun. But sometimes it doesn't work, of course, and my team just went kaput in the summer of '07. I was the manager of the hammocks office, and my job description just got longer and longer and longer, and my team up and left for more pleasant atmospheres. The clincher was when four (if memory serves me) office workers quit in the same week. Not my fault (heh). They left the community. It was the summer of our discontent.

There was a huge controversy, surrounding the membership of a young person, and the waves of negativity grew and grew until they swamped the already leaky boat of the hammocks office, and boy howdy, I went down. My friend Mala said, "my friend Kristen is much more important than this job," and I cried and quit.

In a responsible as possible way, of course. I trained people to carry on, and got out of the chaos and left it to folks with more nerves of steel than I had.

But that left me with half as much work. I'd worked in that office since I moved here (I've lived here since '91), and didn't have much else going on. It's actually to my credit, and the wondrous labor system's credit, that it's taken a year and a half for me to run out of jobs. It's time, really, to find a new niche.

But how to do that when I'm 44? At a hippie commune where most of the work is physical, and most of the people are in their twenties? I feel a bit... hmmm... out of place. And I'm not the spring chicken I used to be, although I still can cluck and lay an egg every so often.

How big's my problem? Weeeel now. Funny you should ask. Um. Embarrassingly big. Um, I'm looking at a hole about 200 hours deep. Yowza. Not there yet, but I'm heading there. What you are witnessing now is the anxiety of a person falling out of an airplane who suddenly sees the ground rushing up.

Sooo... something'll happen. Wonder what it will be. Hence the blog -- if life is painful, take the pain and do something useful with it. At the very least, be entertaining, even if it's only to yourself.
much love,
Kelpie

In the Labor Hole

It's kind of scary for me to write about, which is why I'm writing about it. I'm in the labor hole, and will go further in before heading out. The "labor hole" is how many labor credits I owe to Twin Oaks. Each week, we're "charged" whatever the labor quota is (this week it's 44.8 hours), and each week the number of hours of work we did is entered into our balance. Whoops, I'm way behind, and am planning on making a contract in December with the labor manager, who's a housemate and friend of mine.

It's scary, not in a very big way -- no phone calls or harrassments, and it doesn't affect my credit rating! The terms of the labor contract is set by policy. I must work an extra 15 hours per month, in labor creditable areas, until I'm out of the hole. If I violate this policy, by not meeting it for two months (not sure if those have to be consecutive or not), there's a list of consequences, the most painful of which is a non-binding membership poll. That means everybody at Twin Oaks has the opportunity in the form of a ballot, to say, "accept," "reject" or "feedback." I'm not entirely sure what the choices are, because it's so rarely ever used.

I hate the idea of everyone in the community having this opportunity, although it would be interesting to find out what people would think, and it would be better than paranoid wondering (which I indulge in all too frequently).

So, I gotta find some work and some motivation. The latter is more important (hence the whole policy). Fortunately my buddy Keith is needing help on a project of his, involving solar panels. I have no experience at all, although I do know the names and uses of some basic tools... Can an old dog learn new tricks? This one has to.

How did I get in this fix? I'll let that be tomorrow's exciting installment.
much love,
Kelpie

First entry!

Well, I've been considering starting a blog for years, and maybe this is it! I like the idea, and I feel the need to start a(nother) journal, and the potential for an audience might be enough motivation to keep me going! Only one way to find out!

The first hurdle, really, was coming up with a name. I'm pretty good at coming up with names, so this one "Living Out Loud," popped into my head without much ado. Again, I like the idea, and am not sure of how committed I am to baring my soul online, but I've found it's a good way to talk to myself, and if baring my soul to others is the only way I can do so for myself, well, so be it. And thank you for reading! I'll try to not be boring.

With that promise, I find that I need to close.
much love,
Kelpie